Tackling Tattling

Here are some ideas on tackling the perennial parenting problem of tattling.by Shelli Wanvig

I shudder to think of penning any parental advice. I am firmly convinced that any good I see in our children is the sole result of grace poured forth from a merciful God. But I have to admit: I cringe a bit when I hear parents tell their children to quit tattling and work it out for themselves. In fact, in our culture we make such an issue of tattling being a bad thing, but is it really all bad? What would you do if someone broke into your house and stole your valuables? What if someone started attacking you? Wouldn’t you “tattle” to the police? How would you feel if you did report it to the police and their response was, “I don’t want to hear about it. Quit tattling. Work it out for yourselves.” At that point, wouldn’t you be frustrated and ready to take justice into your own hands? Everyone needs an authority to which they may appeal when the need arises. If adults need this, how much more do children!

If a child is wronged by another child and we tell them to work it out for themselves, what are we expecting them to do? Do we think they will calmly, rationally apologize to one another and negotiate a fair solution? I rather think that children lack the wisdom to handle such matters with grace (“Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child;” Prov. 22:15). A more likely scenario would be that the meanest kid will win every time – the beginning of bullying and on-going sibling rivalry.

As in all other matters of life, children need training in righteousness. They need guidance as they navigate the waters of strife. By God’s grace, if we do our job well when they are young, they will gain the skills needed to get along with others as they mature.

I was far from perfect about it, but when our children were young and came to me with a grievance about another child, I tried to walk them through a biblical process. I would first ask them, “Did you ask them nicely to … [stop hitting, return the toy, etc.]?” (Matt. 18:15). In the case of anger or aggression, I would then ask, “Well, why did he… [hit you, call you a name, etc.]? Did you do something that made him angry?” (Matt. 7:5). Often that question would bring us to a very quick resolution! In fact, the more I used those first two questions, the sooner my kids were able to resolve their own problems, because they learned to anticipate those first two questions.

Sometimes there really was an unprovoked offense, and it was time for the Authority to step in. I would then go with the offended party to speak to the offending party (Matt. 18:16). I would verify the facts given. I tried to avoid questions that would tempt my kids to lie. Having the “witness” there helped. By asking the right questions, I could usually get to bottom of the problem. More importantly, both parties could learn to recognize their own fault in the situation.

The final step was to resolve the problem. Sometimes we would negotiate a fair solution (still with both parties present). For damaged property, restitution of a similarly-valued property might be appropriate. Usually an apology would seem to suffice. Sometimes punishment for disobedience would be required. At that point, it would be handled in private to avoid humiliation.

There is one other aspect of tattling that is worth considering. When a child comes to tell us about a wrong committed that was not against himself, we tend to call that tattling, too. This calls for some parental discernment. Is there genuine concern for the well-being of another? I often felt that those reports sounded more like gossip and would deal with it accordingly. That could sometimes be a challenge, because if I had to be painfully honest, I would have to admit that hearing about the naughtiness of other children made my own look better and thus made me look like a better mom. Ouch! It’s worth having apt Scripture in mind when dealing with gossip (Prov. 10:12; 16:28; 17:9; 26:20, 22). Be ready to talk about the heart issues of gossip.

When a child learns that his own faults will likely be exposed as a result of his tattling, it tends to stop rather quickly! Using these principles in dealing with tattling not only helped to end the squabbles peaceably, but more importantly, the kids were learning how to deal with differences in a positive, biblical way. “But the goal of our instruction is love from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith” (I Tim. 1:5, NASB). Oh, and one other benefit: it led to great sibling relationships rather than lifelong resentments!

Shelli and her husband Ken have been married for 29 wonderful years and are blessed with four children, two sons-in-law, and a new grandson.  By God's grace and provision, they have enjoyed the privilege of homeschooling all the way through.  It has been an amazing journey and a testimony to His faithfulness.  Desiring to encourage other families along the way, Ken and Shelli have served with OCEANetwork for the past ten years.

Posted by Dorothy Karman on Oct 4, 2014 at 2:04 PM | Categories: Discipling - Family life - Parenting -

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Has anyone else had enough with tattling? I know this issue seems to pop up every year, but this particular class of kinders is full of tattlers. I have been doing everything I can to discourage tattling, but it just isn't working. So...I just bought two new books about tattling that will hopefully help me out.
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